What is discipline?

Now that my darling little girl has reached preschool age, her personality is developing at a furious rate along with behavior habits.  About a year ago it occurred to me that we needed to begin some form of behavior guidance and character education with Zoe.  I want her to be well mannered and, above all, to reject brat-dom.  Despite being a professional educator, I was really at a loss as to how to do it.  Honestly, I still feel very inept.

As a practitioner of responsive/intuitive parenting, the "gentle discipline" aspect is the piece I just don't have a handle on at all.  I know very little about what it means ideologically and even less about how to put it into practice.  We are solidly an anti-spanking family, but we do sometimes yell and the terms "being good" and "being bad" are used regularly.  We use threats of time out,. loss of privileges (TV, playdates, etc), and going to bed early without a story.  These threats usually garner compliance, but they cause a huge tantrum and a lot of tears and shame on the part of our little girl.  I began to wonder if the word "discipline" was automatically connected to guilt, shame, and power struggles or if inside the concept there lies the secret of a confident and respectful child.

According to Dictionary.com, there are three definitions for "discipline" as a verb:

to train by instruction and exercise; drill.

to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.

to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct;chastise

I suppose the "gentler" definition is the first one.  To train by instruction and exercise.  In terms of developing socially appropriate manners, exercise and drill would be effective and gentle.  Of course instruction should come first (explain to the child why we say "thank you" when someone does something nice for us).  The exercise would eventually become a habit--instruction internalized.  

The challenge comes in imparting our values to our children without indoctrination.  In allowing the tantrums and tears over bedtime because it is developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old to melt down.  In teaching when and why to apologize rather than demanding a begrudging "sorry."

Expect to read more on this subject as I seek out resources to better parent my own children and navigate the dicey world of character education.

Adventures in Baby-led Solids

My three-year-old daughter has issues with food and eating in general.  We think it is related to power and control.  Assuming that we were the cause of her issues, I sought out a different way to approach eating with our son.  As I browsed around Eco Baby Gear a few months ago, I saw a book titled Baby-led Weaning.  I bought it and read it over the next 3 or 4 weeks and decided to put the baby-led principles into practice with Li Li.

When our family doctor suggested giving Liam rice cereal at his 4-month well child visit, I was armed and ready. I whipped the book out of my diaper bag and proudly declared, "We are doing THIS."

He flipped through it and said, "That looks fine, but you can give him cereal now."

As Liam approached 6 months old, he began showing an interest in food and eating.  Even though the book said not to introduce solids until he could sit up unassisted, I decided to give it a try given that he was 6 months old.  I gave him some fingers of banana, cooked baby carrots, gluten and dairy free pancake, and cooked broccoli florets.  He loved it all, but the fruit was too slippery and the broccoli fell apart in his hands.  He seemed very happy when I would take some broccoli on my finger and put it into his mouth.  He wanted to be fed.

Going against the baby-led solids advice, I did an experiment with spoon-feeding.  I pureed some carrots and smashed up some pears.  Liam eagerly ate them from a spoon.  Sometimes he would grab the spoon at which point I allowed him to attempt self-feeding.  I watched for his signals and he let me know when he wanted more and when he was finished.  Even though I spoon-fed him, he led the way.

I still consider myself a practitioner of baby-led weaning/solids.  We are still giving Liam finger foods.  We look to him to let us know when he wants to be spoon-fed, when he wants another bite, when he wants to use the spoon, and when he is full.  He is still breastfeeding on-demand when I am not at work.  When he wakes at night, I nurse him back to sleep.  He is in control of his own feeding.

2011....the year of the Happy Mama

I am definitely a person who makes plans, sets goals, and takes action.  I am not always successful, but I like to think I do a better job with follow-through than the average New Year Resolution maker.

This year, I've set one goal in each domain of my life.  They are all attainable, however some will be much easier than others.

Domain 1--The Home: Make consistent progress toward organizing the living room/dining room, full bathroom and kids' bedrooms.  This means setting small goals each month and tasks to be done each weekend.  This will be the most difficult of all the goals.

Domain 2--The Family: Cultivate a stronger, more positive relationship with my daughter.  This involves my partner as well, since a positive relationship rests on both parents being on the same page with communication and discipline.  

Domain 3--Wellness: Regain and maintain a weight of 120 lbs or less.  By-products of this goal include paying close attention to how my body reacts to certain foods and supplements and running several 5Ks.

Domain 4--Career: Re-commit to truly responsive education and best practice in the face of increasing standardization and quantification of student learning.  This may mean a second masters degree and a shift in how I contribute to the field if I become a casualty of Oregon's crappy budget.

Domain 5--Recreation: Continue to blog regularly--a minimum of one thoughtful post per week and make at least 1 article submission focusing on intuitive/natural parenting for the working mother.

2010.....the year of the final BABY!

I only haphazardly blogged through 2010.  The year saw many changes:

• pregnancy
• fear of Down's Syndrome in our unborn child
• the fearful decision to undergo amnio 
• seeing our baby's little penis and knowing that we would have a son
• the joy and relief at discovering that our son had no genetic disorders
• the decision to embrace natural childbirth and leave my trusted OB at 30 weeks pregnant
• doing self-hypnosis via the Hypnobabies homestudy course (if you know what a skeptic I am, you will know what a huge leap of *gasp* faith that was!)
• carrying a large baby past 41 weeks without any desire for induction
• going into natural labor for the first and last time the same day the USA won a match at the World Cup
• giving birth without any medical interventions!!!!
• welcoming our beautiful son, William Christopher, into the world
• my husband losing his job
• my daughter potty-training without any threats or coercion at 3 years old
• my wonderful 5-month maternity leave with the greatest long-term sub on earth (thank you, Michelle!)
• my return to teaching and the homeroom from hell
• the realization that I may get pink-slipped
• the need for my husband to abandon his role as a stay-at-home dad and look for work
• my struggles and triumphs as a working mother and intuitive parenting practitioner/advocate

That's it in a nutshell.  Stay tuned for my resolutions and plans for 2011.....

Losing my SAHD?

Despite the financial disadvantages of living off one meager, maternity-leave lessened teacher's salary, I have really enjoyed having my husband at home the past few months.  It has been invaluable since my return to work last month--laundry is done mostly during the day, dinners are prepared with no stress and little to no night-before prep work.  There are only two people to get out the door each morning instead of four and I have the luxury of taking Zumba class at the gym on Mondays and Wednesdays after work.

Upon returning to work, I learned that there will be some pretty serious layoffs coming.  Given my measly four years seniority and my ever-popular teaching endorsements in secondary language arts, drama, and reading, I was advised to brace myself for the worst possible outcome.  Part of the preparation was finding a second source of income, hence losing my SAHD.  Initially, we decided it wasn't worth it for him to even look for work until the spring or early summer so that Li Li could spend his first year at home with a parent but given that we need at least some money to pay the mortgage each month and access to a health plan for our family, he has begun his quest for new employment over the past two weeks.

Yesterday, he had a phone interview.  The reality set in that we may soon be getting four individuals out of the house by 6:45 every day.  It also occurred to me that I will have to give up my workouts........that means I will remain fat indefinitely.  Ugh.  My dilemma is this: stay fat and get my kids from daycare by 4:30 (closing time), or get the kids by 3:20 on Mondays and Wednesdays and take them to the childcare at the gym until 5:30 (more childcare and less Mom/Dad time).

I know most, if not all, of my current readers are SAHMs, so while I ask for advice, I understand you all may not have any to give.  But perhaps you know someone who has managed to make it work.....with the exercise and all.

Suggestions are welcomed.

Ain't I a Mama?

As I read more of the natural parenting and "mama" blogs out there, I feel as if I am in the minority on many issues, however, in the real world of Portland, Oregon USA I think I'm pretty typical, and in other parts of the country, dare I say, "weird."

The quintessential Mama is an educated (usually with an advanced degree) woman who relinquished her career in order to funnel her intellect into parenting and writing about it while her husband works to pay the mortgage or a woman who works at home part-time either in her chosen profession or creating some kind of hand-made items to sell on etsy (how's that for a run-on sentence!).  She goes to playgroups, effortlessly whips her baby into that Moby wrap, has never given her child a bottle or let him cry while she pees or showers.  She also does not send her children to public school (unless it's a magnet or charter).  She never uses the word "no" with her child and somehow manages to keep her composure and always re-frame everything in the affirmative.  The Mama never makes mistakes.  She does everything right and agrees with all the other Mamas about all things parental.  She does not do TV, or Santa, or candy and her kids don't mind because none of their other playgroup peers have access to these evils either.  The Mama knows everything there is to know about attachment parenting....she can actually channel Dr. Sears...and she is more than willing to advise you on how to pee on an airplane while baby is in the Moby (yes, I have had this conversation with one of them).  The Mama is the ultimate PC-er (except when you're referring to computers, then it's Mac all the way).  She bends over backwards to accommodate those less enlightened because she prides herself on being tolerant of others.

The most important thing to know about a Mama is that.........................................................................

SHE DOES NOT EXIST!

This is something I have to remind myself of every so often when I'm rolling through Bloggyland.  Because I do not fit the Mama mold in its entirety, my guilt snowballs as I click through page after page of like-minded woman spouting their reasons for doing elimination communication, not doing circumcision, not vaccinating and the plethora of other things that exclude me.  I find myself lamenting with a bag of Skittles and asking ain't I a Mama?  


The answer is a simple one: Yes, you are! 

The truth is The Mama is an illusion.  She is a composite of all things deemed "perfect" in modern parenting.  She is like a Barbie in that she has bits and pieces of us, but in totality is a physical impossibility.  Most of the Mamas in Bloggyland are writing about their successes, not their shortcomings.  They are writing about their topic......natural/attachment/whateveryouwanttocallit parenting, so in order to stay on-topic they do not write about the time when they bribed their child with a cookie so she would just hold off the temper tantrum until they left the grocery store.  They write about the aspects of perfection that they can attain and just don't talk about the ones that don't fit into their realistically imperfect lifestyle.

But guess what.......I will!  I will share with you my successes and my failures.  What works for me and what doesn't.  Because I would hate for any of you to sit on your couch at night crying into a sugary snack while sobbing, "ain't I a Mama?"

Thank You, David Brent

Okay, I'll be back to comment on this later, but just wanted to make sure I got it out there now.  I discovered the article on semi-crunchy mama's Facebook update and now I'm passing it along....

A Holiday Message from Ricky Gervais















I have finally returned for a very brief commentary on atheists vs Christians.  And that sentiment is precisely what bothers me....one group "versus" the other.  Despite trying to remain respectful of the faithful, Ricky still turns to an "us against them" mentality.  I would never ask a believer to defend her faith...it's rude and disrespectful.  Likewise, I expect to be treated with the same level of respect and not be asked about why I lack faith in a specific doctrine or doctrines.